Through Blind Eyes
by Elanor Whiteriver
Summary: Hikaru awakens to a truth that makes her heart bleed...RR! Rating-up: for language and sexual content (mainly language).
1. Introduction to Insanity

Title: Through Blind Eyes  
Author: PK (hotarushou@hotmail.com)  
Pairing: none  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Hikaru awakens to a truth that causes her heart to bleed.  
Disclaimer: MKR doesn't belong to me, blah blah blah...  
Warning: darkfic  
Author's Note: This is supposed to be a more philosophical piece based on an experience I had with some friends right after 8th period, just a few weeks ago.  
* * *  
  
"Hikaru-neesan!"   
  
Mira energetically waves her arms at me. Sometimes I can see myself in her...well, excluding the red hair, I suppose.  
  
"Coming, Mira, coming!" I'm always glad to lead someone...it is a comfort, in a way - knowing that I can help someone feel better, though it may be only a small girl.  
  
Walking next to her, I find myself happy as always, a trait that many consider a facade. Truth be told, I'm not sure, myself - I have never known who I am. To a certain extent, that is. I know my family, I know my friends, but there's a part to me that even I don't understand.  
  
I am a murderer. That word, in itself, causes so many memories to return to me. Princess Emeraude, the summoning, everything. Though it may have been her wish, I cannot deny myself the fact that I did murder her.  
  
But these thoughts should be postponed until later. I don't need to burden a little girl with such scary ideas.   
  
So I wear my mask once more, slipping into the irresistible happiness and innocent way that so many accept to be me, and all of me.  
  
That couldn't be farther from the truth...  
  
Murderer.  
  
* * *  
  
'Flowers bloom, even without a pillar...' Those words are still clear in my head, the words of Lantis...I suppose he is right in that aspect. He is normally correct, yet I cannot help noticing that he doesn't seem to enjoy life at all. He's so lonely. If only he knew what he meant to some people, Eagle and myself alike.  
  
I find myself in this room once again, with small children. I don't want to look so sad, so glum, for I will only scare the kids. They don't need these complications, not yet, at least.  
  
Why is it that this same, redundant train of thought keeps crashing into my conscious?   
  
Am I guilty of some crime so horrible that it must weigh me down like this?  
  
I suppose I am...  
  
Murderer.  
  
"Ne, Hikaru-neechan...will you play with us? Please?" I am jolted back into the real world(what is the real world?) by Mira. I cannot resist the lure of some childish fun...I never could. I suppose Fuu-chan and Umi-chan would like me to relax, anyway.  
  
"Sure!"  
  
How can I be playing with such innocent children, with clean hands, while the hands I hold theirs in are stained with betrayal...or is it simply disbelief? I have to wonder.  
  
* * *  
  
Now that I am finally alone, in my own room, I can ponder the meaning of this time I have here living, which has turned out to be much more than a simple battle over political freedom.  
  
Much more. It has become, to me at least, an inner battle which only I can fight, a battle between myself...and my past.  
  
Because I cannot change the past, I find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn't killed her.   
  
If I hadn't, this world would be under the reign of Zagato, Princess Emeraude encased, and Lantis still in Autozam. The countries wouldn't be invading, for this realm would have a pillar, even should she be encased and unable to pray.  
  
But I wouldn't be able to think like this, for I wouldn't know of this realm, or even think it possible for anything like this to happen.  
  
I am confused and wallowing in self-pity. How can I be like this when I have a realm to save? I suppose it is my duty to save it, for it is my fault things are this way. Alas.  
  
* * *  
  
Should I write more?  
PK  
Please R/R as always... 


	2. Requiem of Weakness

Through Blind Eyes: Chapter 2  
  
Plot developing now...0.o scary!!! This was only supposed to be a one-shot angst ;)  
Warning: The usual amount of darkfic, with bits of horror/violence interspersed, slight sexual content(no lemon, just implications)..don't read if you're nauseated by thoughts of gore. Hehe. Guess this is kind of a first for me...   
MKR doesn't belong to me, blah blah blah....  
  
~~~~~~  
[Let's see...where did we leave off? Ah, yes...]  
  
...Alas.  
  
I am performing self-interrogation, wondering why I can't reveal my true self to anyone. Perhaps it is the common perception of my 'naivety' that hinders my ability to be real. But why should the way other peopole perceive me cause me such a problem?  
  
I suppose that's the problem many people live in. They suffer from a lack of understanding. But is it alright for me to be worrying like this in a war? No, no, I mustn't. I can't, for the sake of the country.  
  
Glumly, I get up to get out of this room. I have duties to attend to, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.   
  
As I walk, my gait is pained, my feet moving unwillingly, as if they have iron weights chained to them. And as I'm trying to wonder what'll happen next, I find myself walking aimlessly down the corridors and, in a few minutes, lost. Once again, excepting this time I'm lost in both senses of the word...certainly much more hopeless a situation.  
  
~~~~~  
Endless pathway after endless pathway, I walk, feeling pain well up inside me. Just as I'm ready to fall over and writhe in emotional agony rather than frustration, I open one last door and what I see here...is enough to make me gag, laugh, cry...all at the same time.  
  
A good many corpses are lying carelessly on the floor. Many of them have now grievously infected wounds for their bodies have given up. Blood oozes from hundreds of wounds and stains the floor crimson. I'd compare it to the color of my hair...but my hair doesn't have that tint. It doesn't reflect who I am right now...it never did. Murderer.  
  
This pile of death, on the other hand, seems a perfect revelation on my soul. Dead to the world, lying there, forgotten. How I'd like to be one of these people, the burden of life lifted from me...  
  
No, no. I can't keep thinking like this. I have a world to save. I have to fulfill my duties as heroine, or otherwise...the people I love...the people I cherish...  
  
Why do I care about them anyway? This whole world could be a dream from which only the dead can awaken. There's no mistake in that, no flaw in that perfect illusion. This could all just be a seamless dream, woven in order to protect people from the truth.  
  
Is this the truth? If it isn't, why is it here anyway? Is it somebody's effort to forget the past? I wonder where the spirits of these people are now...but what happened to them? Who killed them?  
  
It isn't that important, this; people die anyway, and I envy them, for their position in death is higher than mine. I don't believe in myself because I've seen what I'm capable of...and I loathe that.   
  
Murderer.  
  
~~~~~~  
"Hikaru!"  
  
"Hikaru-san!"  
  
As I expected, they're looking for me. Don't they understand the uselessness of their efforts? There's nothing important about me. No one should even be able to cherish me, the deeds I have done are so grievous. They didn't kill Princess Emeraude or Zagato. It was my sword. And Zagato...he didn't even need to die...but I killed him.  
  
Should I lead them into this pit with me? No, no, no. I can't. They're happy the way they are; I don't need to concern them with these worries.  
  
"Thank goodness you guys found me. I was lost," I explain, trying in near vain to become innocent little Hikaru again. Silently, I finish the sentence...'and I still am.' "Where is Clef-san?"  
  
"He's in his office, as usual." Fuu gestures down one of the corridors and I follow the motion of her hand bleakly. My head just revolves around the same thoughts, my feet not knowing the meaning of their step, and my eyes dully looking at the tile on the ground.  
  
I nudge the giant door open and walk towards the chair on which Clef sits.   
  
"Clef-san, was there a massacre here, or did about sixty people just fall over wounded and die?" Even I am surprised at the sadistic sarcasm that's left my lips. Quickly I move to apologize, but Clef simply shakes his head and motions to me that it's alright.  
  
Hesitantly, Clef replies. "It's not anybody's concern how those people died...I wish not to tell the story. Please, go." I can see the same anger and sadness welling up inside him as there is inside me. But was it he who killed those people? I have to wonder.  
  
I kick the ground in anger at the dishonesty that the world's become. No one has the courage to tell the truth...they can't even admit to themselves the pain they've caused. It frustrates me, it really does. However, wouldn't that make me a hypocrit? Murderer...  
  
~~~~~~  
I find myself back in my quarters again. I gaze blankly into the mirror, not understanding why Clef can't just tell me what happened. I'm not that naive or that stupid! Why can't they just accept that? Just because Fuu and Umi worry, suddenly I have to be carefree? I doubt that that's fair.  
  
No...I can't keep blaming them for the pain I've caused myself. Yet the lure of the pain is too great, and I'm drowning again.  
  
~~~~~~  
After hours of revelation, I decide to just take a walk. Maybe that'll calm me down...but I am calm! I'm just not happy. Is that so hard to do?  
  
I suppose no one else appreciates the difference. Nontheless, I walk out of my room with heavy footsteps of sorrow. As I listen to the empty clack of my feet against the ground, I can't help but let my mind travel to why exactly I find it so hard to be happy, to be truly happy...  
  
As I walk, I dimly note a monumental shadow approaching me, casting its own darkness upon me.  
  
I look up...  
  
and all of a sudden, the world is completely red to me. Sharp scythes attached to floppy, muscular arms slash at me, cutting through the mortal flesh that adorns my body. It doesn't pain me, though...and I wonder why.  
  
But my human instincts take over and I find a sword in my hand as I struggle to fight back against it. I cut through its arms and relish in the sharp stinging that finally makes itself felt in my arms and legs. The floor tiles here are already partially stained red from all the blood...  
  
one more shot from its scythes and my world is now black. I'm floating somewhere, though I can't imagine where...perhaps I was knocked unconscious.   
  
~~~~~  
I think it's been days since I've been awake, but when I open my eyes sluggishly, the most unwelcome face in the world greets me.  
  
"Hikaru, let's play...stay here forever..." Nova. As she's trying to molest me, I can't help but shout at her and move her arms away...  
  
"Goddamnit, Nova, stop it! Can't you see that because you _are_ me, I can't stand you? Nova, please, just get off!" I'm surprised at the tears that fall like liquid streams of anger from my eyes, yet I can't stop them. The frustration is just too great.  
  
"Hikaru, my poor, innocent, Hikaru..." Nova tries once again, but it just angers me more...  
  
"I'm not innocent! I killed people! My hands are...so dirty..." I break into shamed sobs at last, and I can't help but lie there, helpless.  
  
"Don't you understand? They made you come here...it's their fault. My poor little Hikaru...she's been abused. It's not her fault that they cause her such pain." Nova soothingly puts a finger to my lips and kisses my wounds, drinking the blood as if it were an exquisite wine. I relax into her arms for somehow it's comfort knowing that it's not my fault. I never wished this upon myself...  
  
~~~~~  
"h...hikaru..." I wake up, stunned, as I see Fuu and Umi looking at my feverish state. My blood soaks the sheets of my bed and the memories come flooding back...how could I let Nova do that? I don't love her! I don't love anyone...I can't.  
~~~~~  
~~~~~  
End of chapter.  
Eek, even I scared myself...  
R/R!!!!!!!!! This is my first fic like this...  
PK 


	3. A Thought Too Many

Through Blind Eyes: Chapter 3  
  
MKR doesn't belong to me, blah blah blah...  
  
Eeeeeep. Did Clef kill all those people????  
  
Even I don't know......  
  
Warning: Usual amount of darkfic. Not so much horror/violence.  
  
Author's note: Well, I finally found the perfect music to listen to while writing this. It's 'Is Anybody Home' by Our Lady Peace (Happiness...is not a fish you can catch) Oh, well. Not like anyone cares.  
  
Sooo...if you notice any of the phrases from that song in here, don't be surprised.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
...I don't love anyone...I can't.  
  
"Hikaru-san!"  
  
"Hikaru!"   
  
As I finally sit up in the bed, I taste metallic blood in my mouth. There's a scared aura that lingers about me as if I were a frightened rabbit. I'm wondering why I have to exude such an aura, because surely I am just causing unnecessary worry and pain.  
  
"What happened, Hikaru? You're all bloodied up..." Umi's worried blue eyes stare at me, rippling with tears like the ocean. I'm not sure why she'd cry over me - she doesn't need to. No one does....  
  
"Oh, it's nothing. Really, I'm fine." I smile, trying to get her to stop worrying. I have to admit I really don't love anyone, which is why I'm so confused as to the reason for my trying to stop people from worrying.  
  
"Hikaru-san, one of your 'I'm fine's is about as reliable as Mokona." Fuu is, as usual, the same as Umi, doubt playing at the gaze she gives me. I'm sick of this! People don't need to protect me. I can fend for myself! I'm not some glass ornament!  
  
"I've sworn it before and I'll swear it again - I'm fine! Really." Gently, I try to convince them of what I know is true, but it doesn't do any good. I'd like to yell at them, believe me. I really would, but unfortunately for me, it would hurt my facade.  
  
Grievously. Yet I can't stand their nagging! I think I'm going to go insane in this red little head of mine.  
  
"See, guys. I'm standing up. I'm fine! I'm fine, dammit! I'M FINE!" I hope I didn't just say that. I _really_ hope I didn't just say that.  
  
"Oh, my...Hikaru-san, are you feeling all right?" Fuu, annoying as ever, tries to coax me into getting back into bed. But I can't. There's no alternative other than running. Running, running to escape...  
  
...  
  
What am I escaping, anyway? What do I think I'll accomplish? I have to wonder, in this awful world of lying, cheating people who can't even admit to themselves the crimes they've committed.  
  
Am I one of those people?   
  
Murderer.  
  
They say it wasn't my fault. It was what Princess Emeraude wanted. Sure. But I killed her nonetheless.   
  
Damn it all to hell, you know? I don't care! I'm bitter! So sue me! If this life were a newspaper or a bottle of soda, I'd throw it in a trash can and let it burn. Honestly.  
  
It's all my fault. They can't seem to accept that. But really, if I had looked into it further, I could have prevented my own stupidity from making me regret this. I could have asked people exactly what we were supposed to do, instead of diving into the pool of happy little Hikaru "let's save everybody" mode. Honestly, I hate myself for this. I'm just an awful kid who's murdered people, and I'm paying for it...but it doesn't lessen the pain any.  
  
The blood that's been shed is more like fear...fear painted all about the place. We fear so much. We fear regret, we fear remorse, we even fear others. Why? Why can't we just say exactly what we want to say? Why did we even invent manners, and "what's appropriate"? For God's sake, we all do bad things. It may or may not be our fault, but no one is even close to perfect. But what makes it worse is that no one is willing to admit the pain they've caused, including myself. Alas.  
  
I feel my face crumple into tears of frustration, reminding me that hiding out and brooding in my mind won't help the situation any. But what can? What _can_ ease this pain?   
  
Pain...pain is such an unreal thing. I mean, sure, you can feel pain if you fall off a wall, or if you get stabbed...but it is simply too good to be true. Pain is really just something we may feel in an imaginary world, and pain is a split part of us rather than something woven into the blanket of life. Pain may be one person lurking out there, controlling all of the suffering we do. I'd like to thank that person for helping me realize the true meaning of life...  
  
Death.  
  
All of these people are so stupid. They don't understand anything about life. They are caught in a beautiful mirage. Let them have their illusion. I'll be the only sane one here. And I'll be damn proud of it...unless I wind up dying.  
  
If killing can give me such pain, and if pain is a good thing...that means...NO! Why am I thinking like this? I'm not like this! I'm not depressed, I'm not really angry. I'm just in denial. Yes, that's it. This adorable little mask is me! This is me! YES! IT'S ME, DAMMMIT!  
  
I'd like to laugh maniacally right now. In fact, I think I am. I can't tell the difference between my mind and the real world...what is the real world? I believe it was Descartes who said, 'I think, therefore I am.' Yet it is thinking that further proves to me that I'm not real. I am yet another believer in this endless mirage.  
  
But if I realize it, then am I really caught in it? Nay, I suppose not. I am rather trying to believe in it, but my mind can't process it. I suppose I should just get out of here and collect the pieces of myself that I have scattered.  
  
* * *  
  
I'm back here, in this endless pile of pain, watching the corpses bleed. Clef, what did you do? Why did you do it? Were you once....like me? Bitter, scared, even unable because of scared revelations...were you once me, so to speak?  
  
I hear footsteps on the ground, and snap around only to hear that they've stopped. Once I run, they run too...and then I realize that they're my own. There's some sort of terribly blurred line between reality and my mind now...and it's frustrating, yet enlightening. I know that I could very well escape this place, with one simple drive of a sword through my chest...yet would that be the best choice? If I had no ties to this world, if I were completely and forever lonely, I might give that a shot...but otherwise, no. I have people I care about, yet I can't be sure that they're real, and so I realize that I may be merely dreaming of the people I think I know.  
  
Alas....  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Okay, that was short and probably not the best thing I've written. Maybe a little confusing...tell me what you think!  
  
PK  
  
PS R/R especially this chapter! 


	4. Life in Hell

Through Blind Eyes: Chapter 4  
  
MKR doesn't belong to me, blah blah blah...  
  
Okay, we still haven't answered the vital question: _did_ Clef kill all those people???  
  
Yakh! I don't know! Read and find out...it's like OPOPOF, this fic is writing itself!  
  
Now, please don't flame me if you find any of my religious questioning offensive. I am not trying to disprove or insult your or anybody's religion/system of beliefs! This is HIKARU, people! She's depressed for now!  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Damn it. This whole world has gone insane! If there's a God, or some greater power, he or she has surely forgotten us. I mean, if this 'greater power' is the way it's taught to be, it/he/she 'cares' about us and takes care of our world. As if.  
  
So if we're all alone, insignificant, infinitely small specks in the big picture of things, what's the point? Further more, if there _was_ a 'greater power', would they notice us? If we are like ants and this power is about the size of a human, would they be able to hear us? To answer our prayers? Surely blind faith cannot be fruitful.  
  
Why am I, all of a sudden, thinking like this? I _have_ to stop! There's a war going on and I don't need to add to the frustration and confusion that already exist. Stop, Hikaru. Stop. This isn't you! You're a happy, bouncy kid with no worries at all! You can right the wrongs you've caused!  
  
Yes, that's it. I can repent. I will lift this burden from my soul, cleanse myself...  
  
In the middle of a war in which it's not clear who's wrong or right. When I consider the people who should be my enemies my friends. It's a sad and sorry day, and the skies share my pain, crying and screaming for the internal turmoil they are experiencing. They bellow their angry warnings, but on the inside, they're merely bitter tears and nothing more.  
  
I am alone, utterly and finally alone. Alone with myself. Alone with love, alone with hate, alone with pain, alone with tears. I am all alone and swimming in a pool of anguish, drowning and unable to see. My vision clouds with what I presume are tears, but there's no sold proof as I lose myself to the world, lose myself to their pettiness and evilness.  
  
I feel a sword pierce the centre of my throbbing, slowly breathing chest, and I don't even look up to see who the killer is. I don't care anymore.  
  
"Sayoonara, hidoi no sekai-o..."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Fuu POV, in case you don't figure it out)  
  
"Hikaru-san! Where are you?" My own footsteps and my voice echo through my head and the halls. My friend is missing. Umi-san is helping me look for her, but there's a sadness that falls like a blanket, covering the whole castle, as if it itself is grieving.   
  
"Hikaru-san!" Many more corridors later, I stare in silent horror at the sight before me. Here lies Hikaru, Magic Knight of Cephiro, stabbed through the heart. Blood leaks from her soaked fuku onto the already stained floor, and behind her is a pile of corpses which are rotting. I am completely unable to make sense of the situation, and so I am forced to merely let the tears spring forth, as if my eyes were exploding water balloons.  
  
I wonder what could have happened, who killed these people, but more importantly, who killed Hikaru. Her glove isn't on her hand, so I know she didn't commit suicide unless she was poisoned. These corpses have probably been rotting for at least three Cephirian months, more time than we've been here, so if Hikaru-san didn't kill them, then...  
  
Who did?  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
HIKARU POV  
  
Wow. How enlightening that was! I just died. Now I'm here in Hell. Jesus, or whoever, I couldn't really see his/her face, told me I killed myself.   
  
Shows how much they know about spying in on our world. _Anyhow_, all suicidals go to hell (sorry Lilybunny, if you ever read this, I couldn't resist the quote). So I'm stuck here, which I don't really understand.  
  
I didn't kill myself, goddammit. Unless there's someone who is me and yet isn't. Maybe that's kinda like Nova, if you will. Lots and lots of people seem to like to clone me and I don't like it! Especially when they decide to KILL me!  
  
For crying out loud! This is a vicious cycle of thought and I DON'T LIKE BEING IN A CYCLE! It's not nice! Everything's, well, circular!  
  
But on a more...progressive train of thought, where are Umi-chan and Fuu-chan and what are they doing? And DID CLEF KILL ALL THOSE PEOPLE?  
  
Was he once...me?  
  
Wait, I hear a voice. Sounds a lot like...  
  
Eagle? Eagle! I have forgotten completely about him, and now I'm sorry I did. His embrace is some small comfort to me, if that's possible. I don't know if I've been crying or not, or if you can cry in Hell, but all I know is that without the binds of society and the war, we make a damn cute couple.  
  
I can't understand anything right now. I don't feel so depressed anymore, and it's a little eerie, like depression is a lurking shadow trying to catch me while I sleep. If I sleep anymore. Hell, Hell. What would we do without you?  
  
Things are good right now - too good. Where's Nova? Where are all my problems? Have they just disappeared before my very dead eyes?  
  
And where are the people I killed? They...they're probably in heaven, goody-goody two shoes. They don't understand that perfection is not, well....perfect. Making errors is what makes you you, not doing things right.  
  
Silence creates music, hate creates love...contrast creates things and people. Without two different genders, there'd be no reproduction. Being different is actually a good thing, because it creates the good and the bad...  
  
But what am I? I'm a murdered murderer, that's who I am. A randomly chosen person to murder a princess. How wonderful.  
  
Did they have to choose me? Why not someone else? Bastards! They brought this upon me!   
  
I hear a torn scream echo out of my mouth through the warm, muscular hardness of Eagle's torso. I feel my arms tighten painfully around his sadly slender waist, my eyes slant and begin to rain salty, angry drops. They bite at my face, determined to take out their pain on someone else, and I know I was right.  
  
Depression is haunting me like some damned ghost.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
UMI POV  
  
Why...why Hikaru? I know I've come off evil and unappreciative sometimes, but I never wanted this to happen...world, trust me on that. I'd never want something this bad to happen to my friend, one of my only two real friends.  
  
I see the blood on the floor, hear the hard sobs Fuu is emitting, but it all doesn't register within me. It doesn't make sense. I always thought that if something like this happened, I'd have a warning, that I'd know....that she was going to go.  
  
Did this have to happen? Why? Who killed her? Who killed them? What is this?  
  
God dammit! What's wrong with this world? Why do they have to give us such annoying problems in a world where forensics probably wouldn't even work due to the abundance of magic? I hate this! Hikaru, did you have to go and die on us? Come back to life! Come back, damn you...Hikaru, come back...  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
HIKARU POV  
  
I hear the remains of a scream pierce my ear-drums, and I can vaguely make out the words.  
  
'Hikaru, why did you have to go and die? Why?'   
  
Doesn't she understand, dammit? It's not my fault! It's not my fault! I repeat, it's not my fault! Umi, you friggin bitch..  
  
Why does depression do this to me? I love my friends, I don't hate them...  
  
But like I said before, hate creates love. Without hate, there'd be no love...and hate and love walk hand in hand.  
  
These horrible problems just lead me deeper into my hole. Now I realize I'm banging my head against Eagle's chest, and I quickly stop. I feel like a deviless, if that's even a word. I create so much pain, even when I'm dead?  
  
Hell, why isn't anything ever easy? I know it's asking for a little much, but just once, I'd like the answer handed to me on a plate with whipped cream and a cherry. Just once, to see what it'd be like to not have to suffer, to kill and be killed, to solve a problem.  
  
God, why did you choose me? O greater force, your highliness, why me? What's that? Who am I? Well, you should know, of all people. You created the problems that make me who I am now, so logically, YOU KNOW! Stop asking questions! Stop it! You're all haunting me! Stop!  
  
My hands push inward on my head, and a sad insanity drives me to fates I hate. Why does it have to be me? Why not everybody else? Why can't I just be perfect and loved and all that other junk?  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Whoo. Shit, I didn't even see that coming...  
  
R/R people!  
  
PK 


	5. I Give Up

Through Blind Eyes: Chapter 5  
  
MKR doesn't belong to me, blah blah blah...  
  
On with the show! Moulin Rouge! Erm...anyway. Here we go.  
  
Because I've taken up writing Iris again, I fear things may get happier and happier! AHHHHH!  
  
And speaking of Iris, if you like HD HP slash, please do read!  
  
One final note here: I just can't see Hikaru after all this pain not slitting her wrists...doing drugs...whatever. And she doesn't have Lantis' pendant on her. Sue me.  
  
~~~  
  
"Hikaru! Hikaru! HIKARU!" Eagle's firm grip on my wrists, pulling my hands off my head, makes me realize that I probably would have crushed my skull had he not stopped me.  
  
My breathing is laboured and heavy, and while I choke back sobs, my eyes cannot choke, and so I feel the familiar trails start down my cheeks.   
  
"Eagle..." I whimper. "I'm so confused! Why does everything have to happen to me? Why do I even have to exist, dammit?! Why the FUCK did it have to be ME who was chosen to save fucking Princess EMERAUDE?"  
  
"Hikaru," he says gently, taking my shaking hands in his, "it's not your fault. Just stay here. Don't think about it. Ignore it."  
  
"You...you...you sound like Nova," I comment, turning my head to the side.  
  
"Well, if it's any comfort, I won't force myself on you," he chuckles.  
  
"Comfort, Eagle? Comfort? Fucking COMFORT? You expect me to listen to someone who got to die such a nice death, and not live in utter depression, and got to cough up blood and taste it all the time, and got to die fighting? About COMFORT? Hell, Eagle, who do you think you are?"  
  
I feel the flames rise within myself, and as I burn, I realize what's happening. My temper controls my magic now that I haven't got a body. Well, at least in the literal sense.  
  
I pull him to me, trying to cool the flames, and in anger, in a sort of frenzied pain, I rip his shirt in two, pulling it off him, knocking us both to the ground. Innocence, leave me here and now, and maybe I'll find the answer. I don't know what's happening, but I crush my mouth to Eagle's as I feel his hands slip up my red fuku, loosening the cloth tie around my neck, slipping my jacket off.  
  
~~~  
  
(Umi)  
  
I sob, hearing my deafeningly high-pitched voice cry out my sadness. All of us are gathered here. Even Clef, and Fuu...everyone.  
  
"I heard her yelling something to herself about a room, bodies, something like that..." Interjects Ferio.  
  
Clef's eyes widen considerably, as if in shock. I can see him reach to finger his staff, tracing the orb that centers all of his attack magic.  
  
"Continue without me, everyone."   
  
He leaves the room, his little hand tightened around the staff. I clutch my skirt and wonder aloud, so that no one but Fuu can hear me.  
  
"What did you do, Clef?"  
  
Fuu and I hug each other. Hikaru, you just had to leave. I'm gonna kill Clef.  
  
~~~  
  
I lie naked, Eagle's "body(if you can have one in hell)" next to me, our fingers intertwined. Sweat has poured out of me like so much blood, like anguish, like insanity, like depression. I breathe deeply and look at Eagle's sleeping face, seeing the small amount of blood on the ground and on my inner thighs that isn't from my period. I'm not pure now. Not that I ever was.  
  
I'm not sure if I love Eagle or not, but I know that I had to do something, and since I didn't have a knife on me...yeah.  
  
I smile, drawing a finger across Eagle's torso, nibbling his shoulder. Maybe the afterlife won't be so...  
  
What in God's name have I done?  
  
~~~  
  
Oh my god. So short. So...short. So...influenced by Iris. Sorry if the language bothered you. Not the case if you're bothered by the semi-cliffhanger.  
  
Elanor Whiteriver  
  
PS Any reviews welcome! PLEASE! 


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